A letter to my son, on his first birthday

Dearest baby boy Asher,

I love you so much. I love you more than I ever knew was possible. I hope and pray that some day you will have a child of your own, and know the love that your dad and I have for you. Until then, I hope and pray that you can somehow know and trust and rest in what we can give you.

Today you are turning one. One year has gone by since I first saw you, since we first held you in our arms. Now, you are so big, so independent, so yourself. What an amazing year! Not only am I amazed at how quickly it has passed, I am even more deeply amazed at how little I can remember it. I have been by your side nearly every moment of the day and (until recently) night. While my memories are fleeting, this first year of your life has been a miracle to me; I have cherished each moment with you; each has changed my life and I am now wealthier than a king.

I remember the day I first found out I was pregnant with you. My pregnancy was at risk, and I was so afraid to lose you. Yet at the same time, I thanked God that he had given me even one day, one day with you growing inside of me. Now, there have been so many days, and I am so, so, so unspeakably grateful. I have felt gratitude and awe for every single one.

I remember the day you were born. After more than 37 hours of labor, I saw the crown of your head; soon, I saw your body wiggling out of me, and everything changed forever. I had no idea that the floodgates of heaven would open in my heart, drowning me in the wonder of your new life. I could hardly sleep in the hospital, so enthralled I was, so unable to take my eyes off of you. Your first night we spent together, with you under the crook of my arm, me watching, listening. This is one of the most special memories I carry.

There are so many memories that I carry from this year, this year of first thing upon first thing:

• Leaving home for the last time without you, in labor, going to the hospital, realizing that the next time I was home I would have my baby with me


• the amazing, amazing, never could prepare for feeling of watching you come from me, born at last, my son, my child.


• singing to you in my arms, in the hospital, in those first minutes; making up songs, just for you


• not sleeping the entire first night, so amazed I was at the little person lying in the crook of my arm


• bringing you home for the first time, so proud and amazed


• the smell of our new A/C, purchased and installed just days before you were born - the smell and feel of the cold air on stifling hot days, as I tried to catch some sleep between feedings.


• the taste and smell of basil - in sandwiches and iced tea, made for me to eat by your daddy while I was breastfeeding you


• driving with your daddy to your first Doctor’s visit. You screamed and screamed in the car, and since I was eating some mashed up sweet potatoes we sang “Asher Dasher, sweet potato masher; Asher Dasher lovely little boy.” Asher Dasher was your nickname, starting that day, because I wanted to have something that rhymed with Asher. And we sang that song to you whenever you cried.


• bouncing and dancing to the mix cd Farrah, Marcus, and Lucas made for you and me - amazed how you cheer up with Louis Armstrong playing


• how sweet you look when you are peering over an obstacle to see something – you’ve done this ever since you could hold your own head up, and you do it still.


• swaddling, swaddling, swaddling. white noise -playing static stations in the car, as loud as it goes, holding you by the fan, or playing the all-static Animal Planet on our TV.


• the first toy that made you smile - the little bug hanging toy in the play gym.


• your first favorite book - "Mr. Brown can Moo. Can you?" You would always smile and giggle at the thunder and lightening page, even when I thought you were too young to even be listening.


• the day you smiled at me, even though you were crying. You were only a few weeks old, but I felt like you were telling me you loved me.


• sleeping with you beside me, reflecting on the millions of mothers who felt and did the same things I was doing, keeping watch over their babies at night. Sleeping with you under the crook of my arm on the couch, with you at arm’s reach in the co-sleeper, with you beside me in our bed.


• The fear and grief I felt when you began losing weight. The joy and relief when you began to grow so quickly again.


• Falling asleep on my breast as you nursed “sleeping on the job.” When you were very tiny, you would unlatch, lift up your head, and lay it on my breast as a pillow. We spent hours upon hours, close to each other like this, every day.


• Awakening to your cries for food and comfort, so frequently each night. Being amazed at the desire I had to be close to you, even in the middle of the night


• Carrying you in the sling each day, for your naps when you were younger, and for close time when you were older. Learning to do work at the computer while you were sleeping against my chest.


• Watching you try and try and try and finally succeed to bring a toy to your mouth for the first time.


• Watching you learn to roll over (you hated being on your tummy!). You would roll unto your side, with your arm up in the air, then give up. When you first managed it, your dad and I were both there to see it. Then later came sitting up for the first time, pulling up for the first time, crawling for the first time. I remember each moment so well.


• I remember your first Cheerio, first cookie, first ice cream, first drink from a straw. And long before that, your first bottle – you could do anything that involved sucking, like a pro!


• After about six weeks of screaming, you were the world’s happiest baby. I remember your first smile, and then your constant laughter and screams of joy. Until you could sit and crawl, you would often lie and your back and scream and squeal and scream with joy. Especially while I was in the shower, and you were lying on the bath mat, while I sang “Make a Joyful Noise Unto the Lord.” Often I needed to take you out of the church service, not because you were so upset, but because you were so happy! After you started crawling, you were still happy, but oh, so busy.


• Singing you to sleep each night, making up “the 12 nights I tried to put Asher down to bed” which I sang to you before each nap and each bedtime.


• Sometimes you get so excited that it goes through your whole body with trembles, and comes out your mouth as your bite my shoulder.

Asher, having you in my life each day makes me tired and worn out and overwhelmed at times…but full of joy all the time. I am so proud of you. You are so independent, yet loving; easy going, yet passionate. It is amazing to see you learn new things each day. I love discovering you and watching you discover yourself.

I can’t wait to wake up and see your smile tomorrow…and all 365 mornings of your second year.

I love you, my sweet little pea. I am grateful for you. Happy Birthday.