Sleepless
It is dark. The baby snuggled up against my body is not snuggling, but playing. He lifts his feet in the air, grabs on, squeals, puts them in his mouth, then -whack!- slams them down unto the bed and laughs. One hand is grasping at my sheet, the other hand is practicing his favorite game - whack! whack! whack!
All the while his little face is turned upward toward me, his eyes wide and fixed upon mine, seeking the eye contact he craves.
It is 3:00am, and I am feinting sleep, opening my eyes only enough to watch him, not enough to make contact and confirm his desires for playtime.
He coos and gurgles and giggles and sings. He sucks on his toes. Whack! Whack! go his arms and legs. Whack! Whack! Finally I can't resist and I open my eyes for him. My reward is a smile as wide as the skies. Satisfied, he looks away and continues with his game. Whack! Whack! More giggles, more singing.
It is dark. It is 3:00am. It is entirely silent and still except for this tiny, precious, creature tucked so close to my body. In the dark he is colorless and formless, a sleepless presence of energy and life. It will be an hour before he tires himself out enough to go back to sleep, and longer before my sense of being on-call leaves me free to drift off. But this moment is too precious and too fleeting to begrudge entirely.
One sleep book I've read recently encourages the mother to ask herself - do I really want to lose the middle of the night bonding time with my baby? Sleeping never more than two hours at a time for five months has left me with no doubts - yes, and as soon as possible. But as I rest my hand on his tiny, soft tummy and feel him against the curve of my own soft tummy, I am happy to be here with him, tonight, right now. My own little baby. My own Little Bee.
Truth be told, I can't sleep by myself either, sweet child. You are my own boy. 
6 comments:
It's funny -- I read the start of this post and thought, "Well, that's EXACTLY why I don't want my kids in bed with me." I value sleep very highly. Parenting is so often about trade-offs, and by the time I got to the end of this post, I thought, "This is just not a mama ready to make this trade-off yet..."
Beautiful post!
How precious! Those days will soon be gone. Sorry you are missing some sleep but how precious is the time.
So far you are three for three and that picture is worth 1000 words!
You have a way with words. It amazes me to see that what is a treasure to one person is absolutely not another.Just another way of looking at life and time. You will get your sleep later...
Wheels and Cheryl - we have more in common than you think. I'm not a fan of baby in bed, but I've found that if he's there I can sleep most of the night; if he's not in my bed, I'm up most of the night. So...I'm trying to make the most of it and hoping it ends soon. :)
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